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Simon Hedges is just coronated

As Britain readies to crown King Charles III, the late Queen’s large adult son, Simon Hedges shares his vision for the momentous occasion

3 to 4 minute read

A picture of the procession down Whitehall of the Kings golden carriage on his coronation day

As the terminal decline of Britain continues apace, there’s at least one thing on the horizon to keep our spirits up: the coronation of King Charles III. Cynics may say it’s in bad taste to hold a lavish ceremony as living standards plummet, strikes hit nationwide and the health service disintegrates. Rest assured, it will be a humble, stripped back affair – the Windsors are known for their modesty and lack of ego, after all. I’ve been well-informed of plans for the big day and am more than happy to share how I imagine it will go. Red Pepper readers will be crying bitter tears of spiteful republican jealousy by the end.

Charles will arrive at Westminster Abbey in a Fiat Uno wearing grey tracksuit bottoms and a ‘Cambridge University’ hoodie, carrying a suitcase containing £1 million in cash. He’ll pass that to Rishi Sunak as a downpayment for the fireworks display, who will then hand it over to the CEO of a private healthcare firm, who will then hand it over to a bank in the Cayman Islands.

To keep traditionalists happy the occasion will still be a deeply solemn one. A specially commissioned rap performed by Ed Sheeran and the Sugababes will accompany Charles as he struts down the nave to collect his magic baubles. Leaked lyrics include: ‘Charlie Three, our real G/ Charlie Three, no King vanilla/ Drop da crown on Charlie Three/ And on Queen Camilla’.

Prince Harry will take notes throughout for his next book (he’d wanted a Sheeran featuring Sugarbabes rap at his wedding, but William said he wasn’t allowed). The Archbishop of Canterbury will check his watch as Charles signs autographs and poses for a selfie with Claudia Winkleman. Gardener’s World host Monty Don will interrupt to ask for a return of the cordless grass trimmer Charles borrowed last summer – there might be a better time to ask but it’s been over a year now, come on.

In deference to the ongoing political situation and because it’s extremely boring, the ceremony will be cut short. The new king will read out the necessary legal bits from crumpled notes and plonk on his own crown. Sunak will hover as he signs ‘the paperwork’ and snatch up the documents before the ink is dry.

The new king will read out the necessary legal bits from crumpled notes and plonk on his own crown

The monarch will just have signed away all royal residence naming rights to an American crypto billionaire that the prime minister met on holiday. From June, Buckingham Palace will officially be known as the RadCoin Thunderdome. It might not be the most popular policy, but Britain’s economy is in dire straits and the UK is running out of assets to sell, after all.

Following the ceremony, Charles will shoot off in his backfiring car. Bansky will be paid to stencil ‘Just coronated’ on the back window, much to everyone’s amusement. The ceremony will cost a mere £8 billion.

The O2 Arena afterparty will reach capacity by the combined mass of support staff of the king and prime minister. Dignitaries and celebrities will be turned away at the door. Left in peace, Sunak – still the wealthier of the two by a few hundred million – can tell Charles about the magic of contactless payments.

‘You just tap it, and you’ve paid. Amazing!’ the PM will say. ‘Hmmm,’ the king will reply, as he puffs away on a cigar. ‘Not quite as romantic as a suitcase full of cash.’

This article first appeared in issue #239, Spring 2023, Flight, Fight, Remain. Subscribe today to get your magazine delivered hot off the press!

Simon Hedges is by his own admission an ‘Award Winning Quality Journalist’. Sensible people can follow him on Twitter @Orwell_Fan

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