The crack pipe of peace

Dear Auntie _ War, famine, economic depression and global warming - the idea that 'another world is possible' seems remoter than ever. Will we ever have a just and peaceful world? _ Desperate for peace, Preston

May 7, 2009
2 min read

Dear Desperate,

Iff aah should stayyyy, I would only be in your wayyyy … Annnd Iiiiee will always loove youuuu, yooo oooh 

Oh, excuse me. Since considering your problem, Auntie’s had this profoundly crap song on a 24-hour brain loop. But it’s a small sacrifice if she can find the answer for world peace. And like all the best ideas, from bio-degradeable bin liners to screw-top wine, the answer to your question is quite simple. In two words: Whitney Houston.  

No, Auntie hasn’t been at the green stuff, she’s leaving that to ‘chronic pothead’ Osama Bin Laden, who’s nothing but a slushy puppy for songbird Whitney. And that’s where Auntie’s brilliant plan for world peace comes in.

In an autobiography by Kola Boof, a former ‘lover’ of Osama Bin Laden, she says that ‘he told me Whitney was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen … although he claimed music was evil … ‘

But like all the great unfulfilled love stories from Lancelot and Guinevere to Casablanca, Brief Encounter and, er, Princess Fiona and Shrek, it just hasn’t got off the ground. You know how it is, ‘stuff’ just gets in the way. In Whitney’s case that’s stuff in her crack pipe, while Osama’s an obsessive careerist. Though in between the occasional Al Qaeda promo, he still managed to add clippings from Star magazine and Hello! to his Whitney scrapbook.

So, Whitney, the future of the world is in your hands. ‘Seize that one moment in time and make it shine’ – only you have the power to get Obama and Osama together, to smoke the [crack] pipe of peace.