The crack pipe of peace

Dear Auntie _ War, famine, economic depression and global warming - the idea that 'another world is possible' seems remoter than ever. Will we ever have a just and peaceful world? _ Desperate for peace, Preston

May 7, 2009 · 2 min read

Dear Desperate,

Iff aah should stayyyy, I would only be in your wayyyy … Annnd Iiiiee will always loove youuuu, yooo oooh 

Oh, excuse me. Since considering your problem, Auntie’s had this profoundly crap song on a 24-hour brain loop. But it’s a small sacrifice if she can find the answer for world peace. And like all the best ideas, from bio-degradeable bin liners to screw-top wine, the answer to your question is quite simple. In two words: Whitney Houston.  

No, Auntie hasn’t been at the green stuff, she’s leaving that to ‘chronic pothead’ Osama Bin Laden, who’s nothing but a slushy puppy for songbird Whitney. And that’s where Auntie’s brilliant plan for world peace comes in.

In an autobiography by Kola Boof, a former ‘lover’ of Osama Bin Laden, she says that ‘he told me Whitney was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen … although he claimed music was evil … ‘

But like all the great unfulfilled love stories from Lancelot and Guinevere to Casablanca, Brief Encounter and, er, Princess Fiona and Shrek, it just hasn’t got off the ground. You know how it is, ‘stuff’ just gets in the way. In Whitney’s case that’s stuff in her crack pipe, while Osama’s an obsessive careerist. Though in between the occasional Al Qaeda promo, he still managed to add clippings from Star magazine and Hello! to his Whitney scrapbook.

So, Whitney, the future of the world is in your hands. ‘Seize that one moment in time and make it shine’ – only you have the power to get Obama and Osama together, to smoke the [crack] pipe of peace.


Learning by number

Dear Auntie _ At one of the Gaza protests in London, Stop the War put the number of protesters at around 100,000 but the police insisted it was only 20,000. Can Auntie reassure me that the Met has a scientific methodology for estimating crowd numbers? _ Numberless in London

No hope

Dear Auntie, All my left-wing friends seem to be overjoyed about Obama winning the US election, holding real hope that he will bring change, that he'll stop the wars, and that he'll somehow make America all cuddly and nice. But haven't we been here before? I'm getting flashbacks to the expectations people had of politicians like Tony Blair and Bill Clinton, and how quickly they betrayed us. Is it terrible that I think Obama will be just more of the same? Hopeless, London

Both feet not in the grave

Dear Auntie, Having reached 50, I've become invisible. It's the only explanation of why people look right through me. I'm ignored in shops and at bus stops; and getting served at the bar is an endurance test, as men and younger women always take priority. I have a lifetime of experience as an activist, but these days there's always a 'Darren' or 'Ryan' whose opinion matters more. I'd go as far as saying they don't even hear me speak! It seems white hair and wrinkles are taken as an early indication of Alzheimer's. But I'm not ready to go gently into the night and as Auntie looks of a similar age, does she have any advice? The invisible woman, London


Do what I say, not what I inhale

Dear Auntie, _ My daughter is starting to ask awkward questions such as 'Mum, did you take drugs when you were young?' I don't want to lie but I don't want her to venture down the same route. What do I tell her? _ Amy in London

Nice smelling poo

Dear Auntie, _ I'm a vegetarian who is fed up having to justify why I don't eat anything with a face on it. And it's the environmentalists who are also meat eaters who seem the most personally affronted by my choices. Do you have any suggestions how I can deal with this? _ Chickpea not chicken lover, Totnes

Money matters

Dear Auntie, I just learnt that my father, whom I haven't seen in years, plans to leave me a very large pile of dosh in his will. As this is the ill-gotten gains of his work as a Ministry of Defence fat-cat contractor, I know it was made at the expense of others' suffering. Does Auntie think I should keep or give it away? Almost filthy rich, London