48 signs you might be Jacob Rees-Mogg

Could you be the Conservative MP for North-East Somerset?

February 5, 2018 · 7 min read

Are you the Conservative MP for North-East Somerset? Let’s find out!

You might be Jacob Rees-Mogg if…

  1. You went to Eton. (Of course you did).
  2. You drive a vintage Bentley. (Of course you do).
  3. You have the name of an oily ex-fiancé in a cheap P.G.Wodehouse knock-off
  4. You gave your children profoundly stupid names as well, because you secretly hate them and want them to suffer.
  5. You have never changed any of your children’s nappies, because you secretly hate them and want them to suffer.
  6. You have a nanny to do that sort of nasty pleb work for you.
  7. You brought her on the campaign trail with you. You love your nanny. She’s not like the other plebs.
  8. You don’t think abortion should be legal, ever. Not even if it endangers women’s’ lives. If they are going to insist on having sex, they’re going to have to learn to grow up and take the punishment.
  9. Your company has investments in an Indonesian firm that sells pills widely used in illegal abortions.
  10. You voted against equal marriage six times – to defend the sanctity of traditional marriage
  11. You think ‘traditional marriage’ means inbreeding with your royal cousins for hundreds of years to keep land, titles, weak chins and blood diseases all firmly in the family.
  12. You think everything was better when we had a proper empire, and didn’t have to pretend not to be racist.  
  13. You’ve had intimate dinner parties with the far-right fanboys in Traditional Britain Group, some of whom have called for the ‘repatriation’ of non-white people.
  14. You voted against the right to remain for EU nationals, and for much tougher controls on immigration.
  15. You voted to restrict the support available to failed asylum seekers and illegal migrants.
  16. You voted against reuniting unaccompanied refugee children with their families, like an actual Saturday morning cartoon villain
  17. You consistently voted against human rights and equalities protections seven times, including voting to repeal the human rights act.
  18. But you’re a passionate defender of the right to free speech. Except for people who criticise you. Or muslims. Or students. Students.
  19. The joke’s on them – you’re one of the reasons they’re paying nine grand a year in tuition fees.
  20. You look like Morph stumbled across a vast inheritance and a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
  21. You look like Benedict Cumberbatch’s semi-amphibious third cousin who the rest of the family has agreed not to talk about.
  22. You voted in favour of the Snooper’s Charter.
  23. You voted against investigating the Iraq War.
  24. You voted 20 times to increase VAT.
  25. You always wear a suit. Even in bed. Even in the shower. You were born wearing it.
  26. Wait – that’s not a suit, it’s a series of semi-cartilaginous flaps.
  27. You voted for the bedroom tax 16 times.
  28. You live in a multi-million pound Grade-II listed mansion.
  29. You voted to reduce welfare payments 52 times.
  30. You’re the founder and director of a multibillion pound company.
  31. You think poverty is a moral failing, to be cured by a cold shower and a couple of laps of the school playing fields
  32. You don’t understand why people don’t just stop being poor.
  33. Your wife is the heir to a £45 million fortune.
  34. Your dad taught you how to invest in the stock market to make sure you grew up as objectionable as possible. It worked.
  35. You voted against smoking bans. On a totally unrelated note, your company has investments in the tobacco industry.
  36. You voted against regulating the fracking industry and protections for renewable energy initiative. On a totally unrelated note, your company is heavily invested in the fossil fuel industry.
  37. You’re in favour of fox hunting.
  38. You keep a signed, framed photograph of yourself and Maggie Thatcher in your living room.
  39. A friend once referred to Maggie as your ‘second favourite blonde’. In front of your wife. Your friends are also rich and awful.
  40. But you stay loyal to them. You voted 11 times against tax rises for people earning over £150K a year.
  41. And 15 times against a tax on bankers’ bonuses.
  42. And 23 times against increases in corporation tax.
  43. Meanwhile, you voted 14 times against an increase in disability benefit. You think we all need to learn to tighten our belts at this time of economic hardship.
  44. People suspect you’re about to unzip your ill-fitting human costume to give your scales a proper airing.
  45. People suspect that you’re just dozens of layers of expensive suits which have somehow gained consciousness.
  46. People suspect that you’re the ghost of a Dickensian factory owner, come to wreak terrible revenge on Britain for passing the Poor Law reforms.
  47. People suspect you’re secretly from Hull and this whole thing is an extended performance art piece about the strange non-death of the British aristocracy. Honestly, it’s more comforting thought.
  48. People like to laugh off your antics as endearingly clownish. What could possibly be dangerous about such an outlandish, cartoon character of a politician? What real damage could you do?

If 30 or more of these apply to you, there’s a good chance you might be Jacob Rees Mogg!

Congratulations on being disgustingly wealthy.

Please resign immediately.

Photo of Boris with his hand on his head

The crisis of Conservatism

The Conservative Party is in a process of ideological decline or even disintegration, argue James Butler and Richard Seymour.

If Theresa May won’t get rid of Boris Johnson, we must.

Boris Johnson is a local disaster and a national embarrassment. He must go, writes James Clouting

Activate, the new ‘Tory Momentum’, is 100% astroturf

The Conservatives’ effort at a grassroots youth movement is embarrassingly inept, writes Samantha Stevens

I read Gavin Barwell’s ‘marginal seat’ book and it was incredibly awkward

Gavin Barwell was mocked for writing a book called How to Win a Marginal Seat, then losing his. But what does the book itself reveal about Theresa May’s new top adviser? Matt Thompson reads it so you don’t have to

An ‘obscure’ party? I’m amazed at how little people in Britain know about the DUP

After the Tories' deal with the Democratic Unionists, Denis Burke asks why people in Britain weren't a bit more curious about Northern Ireland before now

The Tories’ deal with the DUP is outright bribery – but this government won’t last

Theresa May’s £1.5 billion bung to the DUP is the last nail in the coffin of the austerity myth, writes Louis Mendee