Nice smelling poo

Dear Auntie, _ I'm a vegetarian who is fed up having to justify why I don't eat anything with a face on it. And it's the environmentalists who are also meat eaters who seem the most personally affronted by my choices. Do you have any suggestions how I can deal with this? _ Chickpea not chicken lover, Totnes

Dear Chickpea lover,
As a life-long vegetarian with an otherwise unblemished record (don't mention the pies) tragically ruined by a tapas bar croquette when Auntie was a little the worse from the riojca, Auntie sympathises. She understands the anguish induced by well meaning individuals claiming 'it's only fish so it doesn't count'. A fish might not score highly on IQ tests but it's still not a vegetable.

At one point Auntie even flirted with the extreme (chickenless) wing of the animal rights movement. Or maybe that should be Auntie just flirted - but that's another story. Anyway, she gave up years ago bothering about what anyone thought of her food choices.

But as she sees this has really got your goat, Auntie advises you to go on the attack. After all, they are just projecting their own guilt onto you. So get yourself some pub ammo and numb them into submission with facts about why meat is murdering the planet.

Seventy per cent of former forests in the Amazon have been turned over for animal grazing. The UK gives livestock enough food to feed 250 million people. Twenty vegetarians can live off the land requirements of one meat eater. Farmed animals rank second in causing global warming. And if that's not enough, meat eaters' poo smells awful.

If all else fails, start making mooing noises and drooling from the mouth; the meat eaters could be doing it for real in

a few years time.

Email your questions to: Subcomandauntie@gmail.com