… like a fish needs a bicycle

Dear Subcomandauntie, I'm a 61-year-old single woman socialist, still fighting the system after all these years. My weeknights are filled with meetings; my weekends spent running a stall for my party. But even old Trots have their needs. I need a man, but not any man: I want someone who shares my hatred of capitalism, but who can have a laugh as well. The men I meet are far too macho and serious - and terribly crusty. I know I'm asking the impossible, but, please Auntie, help me find some lovin' for the holidays. Yours Desperate in Derbyshire

Dear Desperate,

Look sister, I give advice about ethical trainers and giving to beggars; I'm not a dating agency. How undignified. What do you expect anyway, spending seven days a week hanging out with ageing revolutionaries?

The first obvious step is to give up the weekend stall. No one will miss your paper, believe me. And why do you want to shack up with someone who agrees with you all the time? That's so boring. You want passion, argument, debate, handcuffs. Call up a friend and go on the pull, but don't bother with tea rooms, bingo or Marks and Sparks as you'll not find any eligible lefties there. (There's also a boycott on at M&S.)

What you really need is a dedicated dating service. If you happen to be a veggie or vegan, then why not try www.aubergineintroductions.com, a dating service specifically designed for those who 'would like to meet' but don't do meat. There used to be a Socialist Partners dating agency out there, but it seems to have fallen in decline - perhaps because there aren't that many socialists left?

This said, even Auntie herself recognises the difficulties of finding love while on the left. Would readers be interested in a Red Pepper Lonely Hearts' Club? Write to Auntie and tell her what you think.