Take that, groupies!

Dear Martha,

Musically, you may be beyond redemption, but there are ways to solve your environmental problem. Rather than cityhopping by plane, try travel website The Man in Seat Sixty-One for suggestions about how to wend your way between gigs by land and sea.

Trains and boats are ideal for someone of your musical inclination, with excellent scope for singalongs and improvised musical numbers. You can karaoke your way through a million love songs by the time you hit Calais.

However, even if you refrain from emission-heavy modes of transport, your idols will not. I can’t see Gary Barlow and company crooning ‘Could it be Magic’ from the backseat of a Megabus, or breaking into an impromptu chorus of ‘Everything Changes’ while stranded on the platform at Crewe station.

No, no. It’s going to be short-haul central for those boys. They might try to greenwash their reputation by planting a tree for every gig – but an entire grove of Jason Orange saplings is unlikely to save the world, or do much for bio-diversity.

You’re better off starting a campaign to encourage the band back into retirement.

Once they’re back for good in Cheshire, you’ll be free to indulge your inexplicable obsession while sticking to your environmental convictions.

Take that and party